


How I, through no fault of my own, Met Your Father

by Lisgreomg



Category: Hockey RPF, How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, I Blame Tumblr, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-17
Updated: 2014-05-21
Packaged: 2018-01-24 16:38:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1612055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lisgreomg/pseuds/Lisgreomg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Okay, so you kids know your Dad’s version of the story. Which, since you know your Dad, you are aware is completely false right? The real, true story begins the night Geno and Sid got engaged…</i>
</p><p> </p><p>The HIMYM/Penguins fusion that was mentioned months ago on tumblr, and would literally not let me go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I forget who originally had the idea for a HIMYM fusion, but I do remember it involved Bully!Lawyer!Geno, so whoever thought of that I have to thank you very much, because that's where this all started.
> 
> Also thanks to Calliotrope for captaining the Jagr/Beau ship, I am honored to add the second fic to that tag :D

_Okay, so you kids know your Dad’s version of the story. Which, since you know your Dad, you are aware is completely false right? The real, true story begins the night Geno and Sid got engaged…_

”Will you marry to me?” Geno asks on Tuesday morning, far too early in Paul’s opinion. Paul surveys the ring that’s being held in front of his face blearily as he whisks eggs.

“I don’t think my parents will let me marry a Russian man.” He says, finally, squinting at the gold shine. Geno hurrumphs at him, collapses against the counter, considering the ring.

“Parents would thank lucky stars you get someone like me. I am a lawyer.” Geno says, smarmy, like he has been ever since passing the bar. Paul rolls his eyes, dumps the eggs into the frying pan. The smell of eggs and butter cooking, combined with the smell of the coffee that’s finally done brewing perks him up enough to realize what’s going on.

“Wait. You’re going to ask Sid to marry you?” He's surprised, and then weirdly hurt, “Who went ring shopping with you? Why didn’t you ask me?”

Geno scowls at the ringbox, snapping the lid open and closed repeatedly, “Was going to go on my own, but Jaro _knew_. Brought me to his ‘ring guy’. Finished it yesterday.” Geno closes the box long enough to employ some messy finger quotes, then goes back to snapping the lid. Paul dumps his eggs onto a plate, grabs the coffee pot and heads out to the kitchen table. Geno follows him.

“I thought you were going to wait until you got a job.” Paul says, around a bite of eggs, and Geno sighs heavily, setting his head on his hands.

“Anniversary soon. Is good time.”

Geno and Sid met the second day of orientation at University of Pittsburgh. One of them, Paul honestly is never completely sure which one, was Paul’s roommate. After they met it was moot anyway. The times they’ve been apart for longer than eight hours since meeting can be counted on two hands. Their two person dorm fit all three of them easily enough. That means that Paul doesn’t even have to think about it before realizing that Geno is correct. Their anniversary is two days away.

Paul raises an eyebrow, “You’re going to be able to wait two whole days?” Geno is many things, patient is not usually one of them, especially when it comes to Sid.

Geno scowls at him, grumpy, “ _Yes_. I can wait.”

Paul just rolls his eyes, “Okay, well, do me a favor, and when he comes home and you barely last two whole minutes before blurting it out, don’t have sex on the kitchen floor. We have to eat in there. And there’s no ‘to’. It’s just ‘Will you marry me’.” Geno, if he’s calm and concentrates, is capable of perfect grammar, as shown by the way he passed the bar first time, but when he gets excited or tired or nervous or just doesn’t want to answer questions, his articles and verb tenses fall apart and his accent gets thicker.

“I will wait until anniversary.” Geno says, petulant, reminding Paul of his four year old cousin protesting that he totally can stay awake till New Year’s. Poor kid was asleep before eight. Paul just pats Geno’s head comfortingly.

“I’m sure buddy.”

\----

Despite Geno’s protests, Paul makes sure to stay far away from the apartment around the time Sid usually gets home. Well, not really _far_ away. Really just the bar downstairs. Jaromir is there, because of course he is - Paul’s pretty sure the guy doesn’t have an actual job, or an apartment - and he peels away from a girl he’s talking to at the bar to collapse into the booth with Paul. “You okay?”

Paul laughs a little, but the genuine concern on Jagr’s face is touching, reminds him why they’re friends. Despite Jaromir’s strange employment situation, his frequent bouts of abandoning them for other groups of people, and his weird insistence that Paul needs to be ‘taught how to live’, Jaromir genuinely cares about them. “I’m fine.” Paul says, making a motion to the bar for a beer, “It’s a little weird.” He admits after a long moment of Jagr looking at him steadily. “I don’t know why it’s weird. It’s not like I didn’t know this was eventually going to happen.” Paul shrugs, at a loss to explain the strange feeling in his gut that set in when Geno showed him the ring this morning. He’s happy for them. Of course he is. But there’s just also - something.

“You’re lonely.” Jaromir says, nodding sagely, “I felt the same way when Mario got married.” Paul opens his mouth to ask who Mario is, but Jaromir just keeps talking, obviously ignoring him, “It will pass you just need…” he looks around the bar, “Ah. Him. Come, we play Meet Paulie.”

“Jaro! Jaro!” Paul hisses, trying to stop him. But there is no stopping Jaro when he’s on a wingman mission. Paul chases after him, mostly because he’s learned that’s the best way to contain the damage. Jaro taps on the shoulder of the young blond kid at the bar. The kid turns, already grinning, and well, okay, there are worse things in the world than a big crooked grin and good hair, but Paul made a deal with himself that he wouldn’t let Jaro bully him into anything for at least a month. The last one had ended with Paul’s mattress and favorite bedding set being stolen right out of the apartment, so he was a little weary at the moment.

“Hi!” Jaro says brightly, “Have you met Paulie?” Jaro motions, and then disappears off to the side. The kid looks confused for a moment before his smile widens, and he reaches out to shake Paul’s hand.

“Hi. I’m Paulie. Well, Paul actually, is fine.” This is why Paul hates picking people up. He gets all awkward and fumbly. This kid just grins wider though, like he finds Paul’s failure to be a normal human being hilarious.

“So I gathered. I’m Beau.”

_And that kids, is how Uncle Jaromir tried to hook me up with his future husband. And we never let him forget it. Anyway, by the time Sid and Geno came down to the bar your Uncle Beau and I had really hit it off. As you know Uncle Beau is a chef. We were discussing a new restaurant that had opened downtown and their new prime rib preparation…_

“So it’s like an eight inch chunk of meat-” Beau was saying, when Jaromir, with his incredible dirty joke sense, slid into the booth next to Beau across from Paul.

“That’s what _he_ said.” Jaro said, but it was halfhearted, he jerked his chin to the door, “Look who the cat dragged in.”

Paul turns to look, and there’s Geno and Sid, looking decidedly smug and mussed. The neck of Sid’s polo is buttoned wrong, which Paul never even realized was possible. Paul’s eyebrows go up, and he smirks at Geno, who rolls his eyes, looking unashamed. “Yes Paulie, you’re right. Congratulations.”

Paul smirks, shifts and grabs a chair so he can sit at the head of the table, leaving one side of the booth for Sid and Geno. “Pretty sure I’m supposed to be saying congratulations to you guys. Not the other way around.” Sid laughs, a giddy, purely happy, honking noise, that has always reminded Paul of the swan that lived in the lake by his house. He can’t help grinning wide in response. “Anyway, guys this is Beau. I met him at the bar, he’s the new sous chef at Reggie’s. Beau that’s Sid and Geno, they just got engaged. And Jaromir is next to you, I don’t think he introduced himself before.”

Everyone greets each other pleasantly enough, and Paul grabs the champagne he’d had Wendy the waitress bring over an hour ago and stashed under the table. He pops the cork carefully onto the table, grinning. Wendy appears, with her usual great timing, with five glasses. Paul pours carefully, passes the glasses around, grins at Beau companionably. “Alright, so, quick toast.” He lifts his glass, “To Sid and Geno, who are already the most married people I know, I can’t wait to see it become official. You guys are the perfect couple that everyone aspires to. The way you love each other gives us all something to strive towards.” They grin at each other sloppily, and Paul laughs, “I will be there in whatever way I can, and do whatever I can to make this the best wedding ever. But, fyi, I can only be one of your best men, the wooing starts tomorrow.”

The twin looks of horror on their faces are adorable. Paul hides his laugh behind his champagne.

\----

Geno and Sid disappear pretty quickly after the champagne, using their carefully crafted and not at all obvious sex-phase. (“Forechecking.” Sid says into his beer, in the middle of a conversation about Paul’s job, and Geno grins, “We have to go.” And they’re gone.) Paul feels a little better after seeing them. Of course, the way Beau keeps grinning at him, and laughing at all of Paul’s terrible jokes - he’s aware the jokes are terrible, that’s half of what makes them funny - doesn’t exactly hurt either.

Jaromir disappears around 2am with some poor girl from the bar. Paul and Beau head for the street after last call, and then hesitate on the sidewalk. Paul grins after a moment, “I had fun tonight. I’m sorry you had to deal with Sid and Geno. I’d tell you they’re usually not so cavity inducing, but that’d be a lie.”

Beau grins brightly, “I did too! And they were great, don’t worry about it.”

Paul tries not to shuffle his feet too obviously, sticks his courage to the sticking place, “So. Do you maybe want to go out to dinner or something this week? Or, you’re probably working at dinner time, what about lunch or a movie one afternoon?”

Beau’s smile falls a little, and Paul’s faux courage falls with it. “I - well,” Beau starts, hesitant, and Paul really doesn’t want to hear the rest of this, “Look, you’re tons of fun and stuff, but I’m not looking for anything serious right now.” Paul kind of wants to throw up, Beau looks anxious at whatever look is on his face, “If you want to like, fuck or something, that’d be awesome. I’m totally up for that, but, dude, I’m only 22. I’m not ready to be dating the guy I marry you know. And you, you’re totally the marrying type.”

It wasn’t the first time Paul had been told something like that. He took a step back, towards the steps up to his apartment where Geno and Sid were probably having gross almost-married-been-together-six-years sex. They’re probably discussing where they’re going to move to, or how many kids they’re going to have. Paul is so fiercely, incredibly jealous of them right at that moment that he almost feels sick. Beau’s still looking at him anxiously though, and Paul clears his throat, “Okay. Don’t worry about it, I totally get it. Look though, I know you’re new to town, so if you want to like, hang out with the four of us at the bar whenever, you’re totally welcome. I mean, you’ll have to deal with Jaro hitting on you and the two headed monster being gross, but we’re nice people usually.”

Beau grins again, “I’d like that.”

_Of course, looking back on it, it’s pretty funny, since the next person Beau slept with was Jaro, and they were married two years later. And I met your Dad fifteen months later, at Sid and Geno’s wedding._


	2. Mr. Cali' Dreamin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaro finds a certain video of Beau online.

_To understand how I met your father, you have to understand why he was at Sid and Geno’s wedding in the first place. And to understand that, you have to understand what happened with Beau and Jaro. And that story starts about five months after we’d met Beau, and he’d made himself at home in our group._

_It’s a little funny, actually, just how well Beau did fit in with us. He didn’t get flustered when Jaro started absently hitting on him, just grinned back like he was pleased with the compliment. He helped us all calm Sid down when his brand of peanut butter had a salmonella recall, and wouldn’t get out of bed all day. He even put up with Geno and Sid arguing endlessly about what food they wanted at the wedding. He just fit with us, no questions asked. And of course, when you’re with us, ruthless mocking is a part of life. Never more so than when we found out about Cali’ Dreamin’._

Jaro bursts into the apartment at noon on Saturday, and Paul ruefully considers that he should really start locking the front door. “They just reopened the roller rink.”

Sid and Geno’s heads pop up in unison from where they had been arguing over appetizers with Beau. Then they look at each other. Sid grins, “Winner gets to pick the appetizers?”

The immediate scramble to get to their bedroom and change results in the loss of a lamp and a framed poster being knocked off the wall. Paul rolls his eyes, pours himself another cup of coffee. He takes it upon himself to explain to a surprised looking Beau, “They’ll play roller hockey against each other. Do _not_ let either of them draft you to their team, the other one will be out for your blood. They’re insane.”

Beau grins, “Sounds like fun.”

Jaro nods, “Is fun. They had to close the rink down for a while, but it’s finally opened back up. If only I didn’t have to play with crazy people.”

Beau laughs, grinning at Jaro “It sounds like you’d fit right in.” Paul laughs quietly at Jaro’s outraged noise of offense, and Beau turns to him, still grinning, “Where is this magical place?”

”Oh, it’s at the mall.” The reaction is immediate, Beau’s face freezes and falls out of his usual easy going grin. Paul feels his eyebrows go up in surprise.

”Oh. Um. You know, I’m not really in the mood for roller skating. Plus, I’ve got to be at work, in, you know, six hours. I should really head home.”

Paul trades a look with Jaromir, who is obviously intrigued, “Is Sunshine afraid of the mall?” Jaro asks, slyly delighted.

”I’m not _afraid_ I just” he hesitates, “I don’t like malls okay?”

That’s when Sid and Geno tumble out of their room, ready to go. Sid looks around at all of them and immediately starts whining, “Why aren’t you guys ready? Let’s go!”

”We’re busy trying to figure out why Sunshine hates malls.” Jaro says. Beau huffs.

”You hate malls?” Geno asks, looking confused.

”I don’t _hate_ them, but I would really rather not-”

”Did you get arrested at a mall?” Jaro interrupts.

”Dumped at a mall?” Sid asks.

”Find out you’re American at a mall?” Geno asks.

”Hey.” Paul protests. Geno waves him off.

Beau laughs, “Guys. It’s really not that interesting.”

”Did you do porn in a mall?” Jaro asks. Everyone turns to look at him. “What. He’s all flushed and embarrassed. Sunshine would be good in porn.”

There is a pause for a moment, and then Beau hesitantly says, “Thank … you?”

Jaro smiles, “You’re welcome.”

Everyone is kind of silent for a long moment, before Beau shakes himself out of it, “No. Wait. It wasn’t porn!”

Jaro nods, smirking, and winks at him, “Sure it wasn’t.”

Beau rolls his eyes, but can’t seem to bite back a large grin, “Seriously. I just don’t like malls okay? I’ll just head home.”

Sid’s forehead is all wrinkled up, “But. Roller hockey.” He said, in the tone of a man who just could not understand why someone would possibly pass up the chance to strap sweaty roller skates to their feet and crunch their best friends into shaky half walls.

Beau bites the inside of his cheek, clearly trying to hold back laughter at the look on Sid’s face. “I know. Sorry. I’ll make it up to you some other time. I’ll leave these menus with you and you guys can let me know whenever what you decide about appetizers.” Beau gathers up his coat and heads out with some last goodbyes.

The four of them look at each other for a moment, though Sid is starting to get fidgety with the need to get to the rink. “I will find Sunshine’s porn when we get back.” Jaro decides. Paul laughs and grabs his jacket, following the others out.

_It’s hard to really separate that particular hockey game out from all the others. There have been a lot of them over the years. I think that I remember Jaro being kind of distracted. But that might have been another time. Who knows. What I do remember is the day about a week later when Jaro finally found the video he’d been looking for…_

Jaro bursts through the door and then immediately collapses against it, hand on his heart like he’s seen the face of God. “I” he announced, in tones of great impot, “Have found the reason Sunshine hates malls.”

It’s far _far_ too early in the morning for this. Paul just grunts in response, digging for milk in the fridge. Geno makes a similar grunting noise from the couch and Sid makes an extremely halfhearted inquisitive sound from where’s he’s sprawled across Geno.

From the bathroom comes a sad whimpering noise, because Beau was at the bar with them last night celebrating Sid’s promotion, and their apartment is closer than his. Paul thinks Beau may have slept in the tub last night. He’s carefully measuring out coffee grounds when Jaro apparently gets annoyed with the rest of them not showing enough enthusiasm. He opens the door again and slams it shut, taking great pains to be as loud as possible.

They all wince and jerk, Paul spills the coffee grounds all over the counter, Sid tumbles off the couch with a groan. Geno says something violent and gravelly in Russian, before stuffing a pillow over his face. Paul frowns at the coffee all over the counter, unable to deal with the effort involved in cleaning up. He wonders if just eating a spoonful would help with the pounding in his head. Much less effort than actually putting it in the filter and waiting for it to brew.

All of the sudden he’s being shoved aside by six foot of frustrated Czech. He lets himself be shoved, and collapses against the fridge, resting his poor head against the cool surface.

Fifteen minutes later, fortified with coffee and painkillers, the four of them are huddled around the table when Jaro plops his laptop in the middle of them. “I have found the video of one Mr. Cali’ Dreamin’.” Beau groans pitifully, and Jaro grins, “Take it like a man California.”

He hits play, and instantly a peppy upbeat audio track begins blaring out of the speakers, and Beau, practically prepubescent, sashays onto the screen, grinning and snapping his fingers, “Let’s go to the mall everybody!”

”Oh my God.” Sid says, staring. As one they turn to Beau.

Beau sighs, eyes closed, “I was a teenage popstar in California. I had one album, and this song sold the best. I had to go all around California singing this song in malls.”

They watch silently for a while, at the point where Mr. Cali’ Dreamin’ starts singing about the girl he met at the foodcourt, Beau hides his face in his arms, the tips of his ears are bright red. Paul’s worried for a moment that they should shut it off in order to save him embarrassment, but then baby!Beau starts rapping and Paul is immediately distracted, “Oh my God.”

Jaro is grinning delightedly, “Oh Sunshine. Such bad choices.”

”I was young!” Beau protests, muffled slightly by his arms, “I didn’t know any better!”

”They never do.” Jaro says, fake-ernest.

”Surfing.” Geno says, blankly. Baby!Beau is now surfing - while at the mall? - in front of a terrible green screen. At the end of the verse he takes a large prat fall into the ‘water’, which splashes up almost five full seconds after he falls.

”It’s just so beautiful.” Jaro says, miming wiping a tear from his cheek.

Beau’s head comes up, finally, and he’s grinning through the bright red blush across his face, “It’s pretty bad.”

The video finishes with a long zoom out from Baby!Beau - now on the roof of the mall with his band - and loops around to the beginning again. Jaro lifts his laptop off the table, fondly stroking the edges of the screen, “It’s my favorite thing I’ve ever seen.”

Beau laughs, and Paul grins, though he can’t help but notice the strange look Geno and Sid share. He frowns at them, quirks an eyebrow, silently asking what’s going on, but Geno shakes his head, “Breakfast.” he announces, standing. “Pancakes and bacon.”

Sid scrambles after him, and the sound of their bickering over the proper way to make pancakes is nice and normal. Sid is of the opinion that maple syrup should go directly into the batter, Geno is of the opinion that driving Sid crazy is funny.

Jaro is still grinning at Beau, who is finally beginning to turn normal colors again. Paul heads off to the bathroom, and, just as he closes the door, hears Beau say, “You know, if you think that one’s funny, you should see my soulful angsty followup video.”

_(Offscreen) Hey!_

_What?_

_You totally skipped the night they came into the bar!_

_The kids don’t need to know every detail of the last fifteen years._

_Oh come on, the night in the bar is important! That’s how I met Jaro._

_Yeah, but I wasn’t there, so I don’t think I can really tell the story-_

_You want me to do it?_

_Definitely not._

_Rude._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may have rewritten the Let's Go To The Mall lyrics to make them more California related. I may have actually counted syllables and done scansion. This is the kind of stuff I use my English degree for and I'm fine with that.
> 
> Let's go to the mall, everybody!  
> Come on Jonathan, come on Harry,  
> Let's go to the mall, you won't be sorry  
> Put on your sunglasses  
> And go for a real long drive,  
> At the mall, having fun is off the 405
> 
> I haven't done my homework yet (That's OK!)  
> And you know how my parents get (Whatever!)  
> But I don't care, 'cause all my friends are gonna be there
> 
> Everybody come and play  
> Throw every last care away  
> Lets go to the mall, today  
> Lets go to the mall everybody!
> 
> There's this girl I like  
> Met her at the food court  
> She's got hair like Thiessen  
> And she does tricks on her surfboard  
> I think I’ll ask her out  
> Take her to my favorite spot
> 
> It'll be just her and me  
> (But don't forget the robot)
> 
> Mom says I'm too young to date (Lame!)  
> But baby, I don't want to wait (Let's do it!)  
> That's OK, I'm going to rock your body anyway  
> I'm going to rock your body 'til Chavez Day
> 
> Everybody come and play  
> Throw every last care away  
> Let's go to the mall today
> 
> I went to the mall with a couple of friends  
> I had a whole week's allowance to spend  
> I want In and Out, and a Hawaiian shirt  
> We came here to shop and we came here to flirt  
> I turned around and who should I see  
> State Governor Pete Wilson  
> He said, "Young man, I don't approve."  
> So I had to get down and bust a crazy move
> 
> Hit it Fred, come on  
> Let's go to the mall
> 
> Let's go to the mall, everybody!  
> Everybody come and play  
> Throw every last care away  
> Let's go to the mall today  
> Everybody loves the mall!  
> Everybody come and play (Yeah!)  
> Throw every last care away (I love my In and Out!)  
> Let's go to the mall today  
> Today (repeats until fade out)
> 
> If anyone wants to come hang out on tumblr I'm totearup


End file.
